


An Ideal Husbando

by Lady_Anonymia



Category: An Ideal Husband - Wilde
Genre: Bastardizing Wilde, F/M, Lord Caversham is a horse, M/M, Phipps fuckin hates everybody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 20:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12660537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anonymia/pseuds/Lady_Anonymia
Summary: There are no stories about Oscar Wilde's An Ideal Husband, so I figured I'd fix that! Be warned: unnecessary sexual references and innuendos are ahead.





	An Ideal Husbando

[The library in Lord Goring’s house: a small piece of the ideal bachelor pad. PHIPPS, the butler, is playing a game of Sudoku, standing with impeccable posture. He is the epitome of complete and utter done-with-your-shitness.]

 

[LORD GORING enters. He is wearing a silk hat, cape, and white gloves: a typical Victorian-era douchebag.]

 

**LORD GORING**

Got my second buttonhole for me, Phipps?

 

**PHIPPS** _, not looking up_

I have no idea what a buttonhole is, my lord.

 

**LORD GORING**

Did you know, Phipps, that I am the only person worth mentioning in this godforsaken country who wears a buttonhole?

 

**PHIPPS**

Again, my lord, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

 

 **LORD GORING** , _taking out old “buttonhole” and throwing it in Phipps’ general direction_

If you learn one thing in your years of service to me, let it be this: fashion is what a person wears themselves, especially if that person is me. Everyone else doesn’t even know what they’re doing.

 

**PHIPPS**

I will take your w—

 

**LORD GORING**

Just like poor conduct! It is simply the behavior of other people, especially people who aren’t me.

 

 **PHIPPS** , _tucking away his pen and Sudoku book_

My lord, I’m going to cut off your pointless, self-absorbed monologue right here and hand you your letters, is that alright?

 

**LORD GORING**

Wait, what?

 

 **PHIPPS** , _pulling letters from behind back_

You received three personal letters, my lord. As per usual, I’ve placed your more explicit material next to the tub under the basket of bath toys.

 

 **LORD GORING** , _taking letters_

Hm. Call me a carriage, would you, Phipps?

 

**PHIPPS**

My lord, as your personal butler, I could drive you there myself.

 

**LORD GORING**

And yet, when I ask you to wash my back, where are you? When I ask you to watch the Notebook with me, where are you? When I ask you to jack me off—

 

**PHIPPS**

My lord, I am a domestic servant, not a romantic partner and not a living sex doll. I would greatly appreciate it if your lordship would not treat me as such.

 

**LORD GORING**

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When did these things arrive anyways?

 

**PHIPPS**

My lord, if it isn’t too rude of me to ask, why the fuck would I know and why the fuck would I care?

 

**LORD GORING**

You’re so mean to me, Phipps!

 

**PHIPPS**

My lord, I really could not care less.

 

[LORD GORING _begins to sniffle and tear up, his fragile sensibilities wounded._ ]

 

PHIPPS, _stomping out frustratedly_

Ugh, why was I the one picked to take care of this man-child!? I should’ve taken that job with Bruce Wayne when I had the chance.

 

LORD GORING, _turning his attention to the letters in his hand and sitting at his desk_

Aah, Trudy and her Pepto-Bismol paper. I really wish she would get Rob to write to me. I love his handwriting. [ _sighs longingly, sits, opens letter, reads it._ ] ‘I want you. I trust you.  I am coming to you. Lady G.’ Ha! Looks like Robert’s secret finally got out to the missus. Maybe this means I finally have a chance with him! But does she really have to come over now? [ _sighs_ ] Well, I was gonna ghost on the Berkshires anyway and watch reruns of The Bachelor, so I guess it’s okay. Better tell Phipps to let the hungry orphan pack loose on any other visitors.

 

 **PHIPPS** , _entering before Goring can ring the bell_

Lord Caversham.

 

**LORD GORING**

Ugh, parents. My dad has worse timing than a turtle with a broken watch. Hopefully I can push him outta here before Trudy comes in.

 

_[PHIPPS escorts LORD CAVERSHAM in by his reins. He is a horse of a considerable age, although his shiny chestnut coat suggests otherwise.]_

 

LORD GORING, _sarcastically_

Delighted to see you, my dear father.

 

[LORD CAVERSHAM _whinnies_.]

 

**LORD GORING**

Yes, yes, find yourself a seat, father. _Then, to himself:_ Don’t let me stop you.

 

[ _After finding himself a seat and not letting_ LORD GORING _stop him_ , LORD CAVERSHAM _issues a series of neighs and grunts, occasionally tapping his buffed right hoof on the hardwood. His monologue lasts at least a minut_ e. LORD GORING _makes a series of displeased faces that go from mildly inconvenienced to frustrated and impatient._ ]

 

**LORD GORING**

Yadda, yadda, yadda, ‘Sir Chiltern’ this and ‘Lady Chiltern’ that. You are always comparing me to Robert, father. Am I not a good enough son for you?

 

[LORD CAVERSHAM _shakes his head vehemently, mane flying about his face._ ]

 

 **LORD GORING** , _to himself_

At least he’s honest.

 

[LORD CAVERSHAM _gives his son a critical look, then gives a mighty sneeze. He looks around wildly, as if trying to find the person who cursed him with this sneeze._ ]

 

**LORD GORING**

Father, your sneezes are heart-attack inducing. Let me have you escorted to another room. [LORD GORING _rings his bell, and_ PHIPPS _enters_.] Phipps, could you do me a favor and put my dad in any room that’s not this one?

 

**PHIPPS**

It would be my displeasure, my lord.

 

[LORD GORING _hands_ LORD CAVERSHAM’ _s_ _reins over to_ PHIPPS, _who pulls him into the smoking-room. After a moment_ , PHIPPS _comes back, cracks the door behind him, and begins to head offstage_.]

 

**LORD GORING**

Ah, Phipps! My guy! My main man. Listen, dude, I’m in a little bit of a jam and—

 

**PHIPPS**

Again, my lord, I am your personal butler. If you have a request of me that does not involve acting out your fantasies of a relationship I would be...okay?...with carrying that request out; there is no need for you to try and coerce me into it.

 

**LORD GORING**

Oh, thank god. Listen, I’m expecting someone soon, and I need you to show her—um, them, I mean—into the drawing-room when they get here.

 

**PHIPPS**

May I have a physical description of this woman, my lord?

 

**LORD GORING**

Dammit, you did pick up on that. Wait a minute, ‘physical description’? Why?

 

**PHIPPS**

To prevent the admission of any woman seeking entrance to your house, my lord, it would be best if I knew the appearance of the lady you are expecting. This way, I can communicate effectively to the rest of the staff who is allowed in the house, in the event that I am preoccupied with something.

 

 **LORD GORING,** _dismissively_

As if! Listen, there’s gonna be one lady at my door tonight, and that’s the one I want you to let in, got it?

 

**PHIPPS**

Whatever you say, my lord.

 

[ _A bell (presumably the doorbell) sounds_.]

 

 **LORD GORING,** _straightening bowtie_

Ah, there she is! If ya don’t mind, Phipps, I think I’ll handle this one.

 

[ _Just as he is going towards the door,_ LORD CAVERSHAM _noses the door of the smoking-room and issues a particularly loud neigh_.]

 

**LORD GORING**

Yes, yes, I’ll be there in a second, dad. [CAVERSHAM _goes back_.] Okay, recap: woman, into, drawing room. Are we clear?

 

**PHIPPS**

As clear as I will ever be on anything you say, my lord.

 

[LORD GORING _goes into the smoking-room. As soon as he leaves,_ MRS. CHEVELEY _strolls in_.]

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

The person who was going to escort me in only appears once and says four words, so I just came in myself, to save us all some time. Where’s Artie?

 

**PHIPPS**

If you’re referring to Lord Goring, he is conferencing with his father at the moment.

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Horsing around, eh? I figured as much.

 

 **PHIPPS** , _rolling his eyes_

Madam, if you would be so kind to wait in the drawing-room for his lordship, he would be very appreciative.

 

 **MRS. CHEVELEY** , _glancing into the drawing room_

Hmmmm, nah. I’d rather complain about the lighting in there by sighing and changing position instead of asking you to do something about it.

 

[MRS. CHEVELEY _shifts her weight from foot to foot and sighs obnoxiously]_

 

**PHIPPS**

Do you...want me to change it?

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

If you would be so kind.

 

[PHIPPS _passes into the drawing-room and begins to light the candles._ ]

 

 **MRS. CHEVELEY** , _as loud as she possibly can without yelling_

Now that he’s gone, I’m free to feed my ridiculous kleptomania problem.

 

 **PHIPPS** _, peeking in from the other room_

Are you going to steal something, madam?

 

 **MRS. CHEVELEY** , _sweating_

Uh, what would make you think that!?

 

**PHIPPS**

You mean aside from the fact that you just screamed it?

 

[ _The two look at each other for a moment,_ PHIPPS _unflinchingly,_ MRS. CHEVELEY _with a great deal of fidgeting._ ]

 

**PHIPPS**

I really could not care less, madam. Just make sure you close all the drawers and re-stack all the papers when you’re done going through them.

 

[PHIPPS _goes back into the drawing room_ ]

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Welp, time to run wild! _[throwing papers around before picking one up]_ Aw, somebody likes Artie. I’ll have to remind myself to destroy her future. [ _puts letter down, then takes it up again_ ] Is that Gertie’s handwriting? It has to be, no one else heads her papers with the phrase “to mistake is to sin.” If she does like Artie, I can ruin her life and Rob’s in one fell swoop!

 

[ _S_ _he is just about to steal the letter, when a particularly loud neigh comes from the other room, startling her._ PHIPPS _enters_.]

 

**PHIPPS**

The drawing room has been appropriately mood-lit, madam.

 

 **MRS. CHEVELEY** , _slipping the letter under a blotting-book lying on the table_

Thank you.

 

 **PHIPPS** , _coldly_

I trust you don’t plan on leaving this mess.

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

O-of course not.

 

[PHIPPS _monitors_ MRS. CHEVELEY’s _cleaning of the room. When she is finished, she goes into the drawing-room._ PHIPPS _exits. The door is then slowly opened, and_ MRS. CHEVELEY _comes out and creeps towards the writing-table. More noises are heard from the smoking-room,  and she retreats into the drawing-room, leaving the door ajar._ ]

 

 **LORD GORING** , _storming in with_ CAVERSHAM _on his heels_

Dad, if I’m gonna get married, it’d be really nice to decide who I was getting married to!

 

[LORD CAVERSHAM _whinnies and snorts._ ]

 

**LORD GORING**

Blah, blah, blah. You know, the older you get, the more horseshit comes out of your mouth instead of your ass!

 

[LORD CAVERSHAM _rears up on his hind legs angrily._ LORD GORING _manages to push him by the butt out of the house. He returns, floundering, on the heels of_ SIR ROBERT CHILTERN.]

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

I’m so glad you’re here, Arthur! Phipps told me you weren’t here.

 

 **LORD GORING** , _lovestruck_

O-of course. I’m always at home for you, Robert!

 

 **SIR ROBERT CHILTERN** , _oblivious_

Thank you so much, old friend. I need your counsel. Gertrude is going to leave me!

 

**LORD GORING**

Finally! I mean, uh, that’s horrible, how can I help?

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

Tell me what to do, please! You are my dearest friend; there is no man closer to me than yourself and I am in dire need of your assistance.

 

**LORD GORING**

Well, after your wife inevitably divorces you, you can move in with me! It'll be awkward at first—running into each other in the halls, eating dinner together—it'll take time to get used to, but slowly, we'll fall into a friendly routine. As we spend more time together, we’ll get closer and closer until one day, you find me crying over my unbearable loneliness and go to comfort me. You'll take my face in your hands gently, and slowly lean in towards me until our lips finally touch, sealing our everlasting bond to one another! 

 

[SIR ROBERT _is speechless._ GORING _realizes he’s said too much. A chair falls in the drawing-room_.]

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

Thank god for that well-timed noise from the other room!

 

**LORD GORING**

I know, right? I really don't want to confront my attraction to you right now.

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

Wait, what made that noise?

 

 **LORD GORING** , _in front of the door_

Uh, nothing.

 

[SIR ROBERT CHILTERN _pulls himself up to his full height and stands in front of_ GORING. GORING cowers.]

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

Who is in there, Arthur?

 

 **LORD GORING** , _nervously_

No one, I swear.

 

[SIR ROBERT CHILTERN _puts a hand on_ GORING’ _s shoulder, and he melts to the floor_ . CHILTERN _walks over him into the room, and comes back with a look of anger on his face_.]

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

What the hell, Arthur!?

 

**LORD GORING**

Robert, I’m going to describe the woman in that room and her purity and innocence without naming her because that’s obviously not necessary!

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

You bastard! How dare you have her in your house while I confide in you! You heathen, are you enjoying my suffering?

 

**LORD GORING**

No, no, wait—

 

**SIR ROBERT CHILTERN**

I thought we were friends! Come find me when you stop being a despicable bastard!

 

[SIR ROBERT CHILTERN _goes out_. GORING _rushes to the door of the drawing-room, and_ MRS. CHEVELEY _comes out_.]

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Evening.

 

**LORD GORING**

Nani the fuck!?

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

I’ll make this quick, Artie: if you marry me, I’ll give you Robert’s letter. Deal...or no deal?

 

**LORD GORING**

Never! Robert is the only man for me!

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Well, that was all I came to ask. If you don't marry me, I ruin your boyfriend's life. Peace!

 

**LORD GORING**

Wait a second! Aren’t you...forgetting something?

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Forgetting something? Something like what?

 

**LORD GORING**

Something like...a diamond snake-brooch, with a shiny ruby?

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Ooh, shiny! I mean...yes, I did lose a brooch exactly like that! How did you know?

 

 **LORD GORING** , _pulling the brooch out of somewhere unsavory_

Well, it just so happens that I have it!

 

 **MRS. CHEVELEY** _, cringing_

Ugh, that’s gross. At least it’s not actually mine.

 

**LORD GORING**

What?

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Nothing!

 

**LORD GORING**

Here, let me put it on you!

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

No, I think I’m good—

 

[LORD GORING _slaps the brooch onto_ MRS. CHEVELEY’ _s wrist. The brooch now has a chain attached to it, and a handcuff._ LORD GORING _slaps the handcuff onto_ MRS. CHEVELEY’ _s other wrist._ ]

 

 **LORD GORING** , _dancing around her and shoving his pointer fingers in her face_

HA! Busted! I gave this to my cousin Mary and you stole it! Now I’m gonna have you arrested!

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

No, no, please! I’ll pay you anything you want!

**LORD GORING**

Money can’t solve your problems now!

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

I’ll...suck your dick?

 

**LORD GORING**

I still have the scars from the last time you tried to blow me! You can’t get out of this one, Cheveley! Unless...

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Unless?

 

**LORD GORING**

Unless you give me Robert’s letter.

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

I don’t even have it on me!

 

**LORD GORING**

Please. I know all of your dresses have pockets sewn in.

 

[MRS. CHEVELEY _pulls the letter out from an unsavory place, and hands it to him._ GORING _takes a large chunk out the middle of the letter and puts it in his mouth. The rest he throws into the fire_.]

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Can you take these fucking cuffs off now?

 

**LORD GORING**

What’s the magic word?

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

...please?

 

**LORD GORING**

No, abracadabra, but I guess ‘please’ works.

 

[LORD GORING _undoes the makeshift cuffs, and_ MRS. CHEVELEY _catches sight of the letter she was going to steal earlier_.]

 

 **MRS. CHEVELEY** , _sweetly_

Goodness, all this excitement is making me thirsty! Could you get me some water, please?

 

**LORD GORING**

Here, let me call Phipps—

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

NO! I, uh, would rather you do it! I, um, love watching you hold glasses of water, you’re so graceful.

 

 **LORD GORING** , _preening_

Well, you’re not wrong.

 

[GORING _leaves the room_ , _and_ MRS. CHEVELEY _steals the letter. When LORD GORING returns with the glass, she throws the water down the front of her dress_.]

 

**MRS CHEVELEY**

Aah, refreshing! Well, off I go!

 

**LORD GORING**

Um, alright then?

 

[MRS. CHEVELEY _is almost at the door, when she stops and turns, desperate_.]

 

**MRS. CHEVELEY**

Ugh, I can’t keep this to myself! Artie, I stole the letter you got from Gertie and I’m going to use it to break up her and Rob’s marriage!

 

 **LORD GORING,** _passionately and then blasé_

Oh my god, thank you! I mean, uh, that’s horrible, come back with that letter, rargh.

 

[MRS. CHEVELEY _tiptoes towards the door, daring_ GORING _to come after her. He trudges behind her, half-heartedly trying to catch her. Finally, she cackles and runs out of the house, off-stage_.]

 

**END**

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated and (as always) I hope you enjoyed the story!


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